Gap Year

This blog is very self conceited, but I have been wanting to write for a while and have had no inspiration. So I wrote about whats been on my heart.

Since September 2010 when I started college there has been one main question parents/teachers/friends/random people I meet have been asking me: "What are you going to do after A levels?"   My response is... "I have NO idea, I will probably take a gap year"

Insert audience members shocked face here.

 "Your not going to go to university?" "How do you plan to get anywhere in life without a degree?" "Aren't you worried you aren't going to be able to get back into education?" "You will never be able to support yourself if you don't get a higher education" "What will your parents say!"

If I was anyone else apart from Bethany Pease I would probably hit these people in the face.
You want to know the reason why I am taking a gap year?

"I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And what do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited."

But, I never say that out loud. Instead I just say that education is not for me at the moment, and maybe this time next year I would of found a degree I want to spend £9,000 a year on and get myself into a load of debt.

I am going to spend my year as an intern at the Lantern Arts Centre - working with all different kinds of people, learning how theatre works, learning how an office works, being in productions, helping children come out of their shells and discovering they do have a voice through the use of drama. I then need to find paid employment for a few days a week so I can support myself. I also want to travel, but we shall see what unfolds.

I am hoping the year starting from September is going to let me experience all shades, tones and variations of life. It's going to make me tired. I'm probably going to be poor. But I know, deep down its worth it. I am gaining life experience. I get too meet new people. I am pushing doors - and who knows where they may lead too.

For anyone else thinking about a gap year but who is scared of what people may say. GET OVER IT. I had too. I cried down the phone to my boyfriend. I cried to my parents. I was constantly worrying about what my parents would say. I would compare myself to my older sister who knew what she wanted in life, went to university, got a degree,had her graduation and now shes in a good job.Surely thats every parents proud moment in life. Well my parents are going to be proud of me in different ways.  Teachers would tell me that I am a bright girl and should go to university. Well they too can get over it.
Just remember, university is always going to be there. Different shades, tones and variations of life are not.

Let the adventure begin!

Beautiful people

Life is full of beautiful people, those with no blemish on their skin, who have the latest fashion and who's hair & make-up stays perfect for the whole day. These are the girls&women that boys&men want to be with.These are the people that we look at and wish we looked like, people that when we are around we feel so small because they are so stunning. I struggle so badly with this, when I am around other girls who I feel are more beautiful than me, I go into a shell, become quiet and bitter and wait for someone to notice that I am there, in the corner silently craving attention.


I have come to find however, that in my 18years that these people, who are "beautiful" usually are mean, concieted and shallow. Their life revolves around how they look, and the attention they recieve because of the way they look. I am not saying this is the case for everyone, I have many friends who are SO stunning and do not even know it (in my opinion this is a really attractive quality) So over these past few weeks of stuggling to accept myself with my stupid spots and glasses and frizzy hair I decided that their must be more to beauty than just the way one looks.

Firstly I looked in the bible, and found this quote from 1 Peter: "You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is so precious to God" I believe this to be true, if a girl/woman is gentle and quiet in spirit it will intrigue a man to get to know her personality, and not just judge her on her outward apperance. I know I do not always have a gentle & quiet spirit as I like too be loud and talk alot! However, I do not need to "flaunt" my spirit to get noticed. A spirit is something that is unfading, whilst looks fade.

Secondly and finally I started thinking about all the people I know, who in my opinion are the most beautiful. The most beautiful people I know are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss and have yet found their way out of these depths. These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with a compassion,gentleness and a deep loving concern.

Beautiful people do not just happen.

The sea remains the sea

Throughout my life tragedy after calamity has hit my life, my family, my friends, the church and this past year has been no exception. In fact this past year has been the biggest emotional rollercoaster placed in the Bethany Pease Theme Park.

 However after an amazing morning at Hook Evangelical Church I stumbled across the words of Vincent Van Gogh; "It is true that there is an ebb and flow, but the sea remains the sea"

God is the sea. Although I  have experienced and will still experience many ups and downs in my emotions and often feel great shifts in my inner life, God remains the same. There are days of sadness, days of joy; there are feelings of guilt and feelings of gratitude; there are moments of failure and moments of success; but all of them I embrace with Gods unfailing love.

My biggest temptation, and my biggest failing most recently has been to doubt God's love, I removed myself from the healing radiance of his love and by doing this moved myself into the darkness of despair.

The Lord is the sea of love and goodness, and with him I do not have to fear too much of the storms and the winds of my daily life.

In life there will be ebbs and flow, but the sea remains the sea.



 P.S: As its only 3 weeks till Christmas, listen below to my favourite Christmas song!

Thankfulness

The word thankyou can be one of those words that is just thrown around in todays society. Other words that are thrown around are "I love you" and "I'm sorry." Many of us say thankyou out of good manners and respect, and also to make us seem like people with polite personalities. But how many of us actually say thankyou and mean it from the bottom of our hearts?

True thankfulness is where you acknowledge the wonderful people, things and places that make up your reality. True thankfulness stems from a powerful comprehension of the gift of simply being gratefully alive. It is difficult for Western society to access this level of thankfulness as we are caught up in the ups and downs (drama) in the world.


If you only feel thankfulness when it serves your desires, this is not true thankfulness. No one is exempt from the vicissitudes in life, which may, at any time, take the possessions, situations and people we love away from us.  Ironically, it is sometimes a loss that awakens us to be thankful for everything instead of only when things go our way. Illness and near-miss tragedies can also serve as a wake-up call to the deeper realization that we are truly blessed to be alive.  

I believe we should be a  lot more grateful for our lives and the people  that share our world. It is always a case of when you lose something - that you realise what you had and sadly, it is too late ...... I guess it is a question of being 'mindful' of showing thankfulness and really being grateful for what we do have.

So what has brought on my sudden burst of thankfulness? Death & My Birthday.

Last Tuesday a lady at my church died; she was young, married and had 3 young children. What a sad situation to be in! None of us, unless we have been in that situation can comprehend those emotions that family will be feeling. But it made me thankful, thankful for my protected childhood and the fact I still have both my parents alive, my sisters alive and all sets of my grandparents alive. I have a family that love me, and care for me so much and this was proved to me recently on my birthday.

My parents, sisters, bestfriends and grandparents worked so hard to make my day as special as possible. I recieved thoughtful, time consuming gifts and cards with beautiful words  written inside. To me it wasn't about the expensive presents, it was about all the little things that people had spent time thinking about and creating to make me happy.

You say  a grace before meals.  All right.  But from now on I am going to  say grace before the concert and the opera, and grace before the play and pantomime, and grace before I open a book, and grace before sketching, painting, swimming, walking, playing, dancing and grace before I put my fingers to this keyboard to type. Why? Because I'm thankful & remember, in every circumstance you have something to be thankful for.

Friendship

I apologise in advance for the soppiness of this blog

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."  

                        

"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you." 

"Truth and tears clear the way to a deep and lasting friendship."

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." I was hurt last year - not physically, but emotionally. I felt like my world had ended. But, at the same time going through emotional suffering really helped me to see who my true friends were. My "world" had walked out, but some amazing friends walked in - right when I needed them the most. I want to mention a few in particular:

Sarah Brown: My best friend, practically my sister. Sarah would come and visit me whenever I needed her. She would let me call her up and cry down the phone. She baked me cookies. She gave me hugs. She slept by my side one night so I wouldn't have to be alone. She even cried with me, saying how upset she was because I was upset and hurting. Sarah is beautiful.

Joseph Murphy: Thankyou for being Sarah's boyfriend, you really have brought out the best in her and I believe you encouraged her to help me through that difficult time. Joe makes me laugh  and never has any negative words about anyone or anything. Joe helped Sarah bake some cookies for me...which I appreciated even if they weren't edible!

Nick Logan: Nick is like my brother. He knows everything about me, I tell him everything. Nick lets me have deep, meaningful chats with him anytime of day and I don't think he knows how much I appreciate them because they were partly what helped me heal.

Charlotte Henderson: Once again, knows everything about me. Lets me cry to her often even though she has gone through a worse time than I ever have experienced she is strong - a role model of what being strong looks like.

Sophie Henderson: My personal beauty assisant. And I must say how beautiful she has become recently, because I don't think I have told her. One time, Sophie let me sob - LOUDLY to her in the toilets. I really appreciate that.

Maisie Hudson: My fun, beautiful friend. I have the best times with Maisie. We stalk people, we take too many photographs and we have too many inside jokes. I wouldn't be Bethany without having of met Maisie.

Heather Boardman: Heather came round straight away when I was hurt. She took away all the memories away that would make me hurt even more. I know this girl would hurt anyone that hurt me - not just say it, but actually do it. That is a true friend.

Jeremy Barclay: This may sound odd but I have only just started to really appreciate Jeremy. He cheers me up, he knows the right words to say in a situation and we can have deep, heart to heart chats.

Becky Reisinger - Oh what a lovely girl! I can talk to Becky about any troubles in my life, and she nearly always has the same problems! We drink tea, and eat chocolate and percy pigs, have a laugh and have deep, philosophical conversations. She is my peculiar treasure.

"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you."  I touched on this topic earlier - most of my closest friends know all about me, and I'm suprised they like me still. I can be such a downer sometimes! I mope around, complaining about my life when really it isin't that bad. I lie sometimes. I cry ALOT. But through all of that, I know my friends won't judge me.

"Truth and tears clear the way to a deep and lasting friendship."

I want to mention Sarah again here. We have not had the easiest friendship.We used to be very close when we were younger, and saw eachother alot. We had our fights, but always made up. Then we grew apart - it made me sad, and I don't think Sarah knows how many tears I cried over our friendship not being very strong. But then, as soon as I needed her she was there again. I think I speak for both of us when I say we are now closer than ever, and I treasure her very much. We are always truthful with eachother, and there have been many tears over the years we have been friends. But isin't that the sign of a true friend? When the truth hurts, you tell it. When you need to cry, you can and you don't have to hide the tears.

Now I want to tell you about a friend who is always there, always next to me and always ready to listen.

His name is God. You probably have heard me speak of him before. God's the only friend who has sacrificed his life for me. God has been with me my whole life, not just when I needed to cry - but trust me every tear I have cried, God has cried too. God feels my pains. God rejoices in my sorrows. He walks by me, and directs me down the right path. God has given me the best present ever - his forgiveness. I could be the worst person in the world, but God has taken every single bad thing I have done and placed it on himself as if he had done that bad deed. God knows my deepest, darkest secrets - the ones I am too ashamed of to tell even my closest friends. I love God, and I want everyone to know that. Do you have a friend like that?

I'm sorry for the soppiness of this blog - I'm sorry if you have been offended by anything I have said, and I am sorry if you are reading this but your name isn't mentioned and you feel hurt by this blog. But I love every single one of you reading this, you are all beautiful and I wish you all the best in life; you bring joy and happiness, and yes sometimes you bring drama; but what fun would life be without drama? ;-)

Desiderata

The Desiderata poem means alot to me - and what it says about how a person should be is the type of person I would like to become. Of course, this is very difficult and probably impossible.
However, the main sentence that has been sticking out like a sore thumb to me lately is; "If you compare yourselves to others, you will become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself"

Lets break this sentence down into sections:

1) "If you compare yourselves to others"

Already we are on dangerous ground. We know from endless scientific research, and also just from looking at people that no 2 people are the same! Yet ALL of us still look at someone else and compare ourselves.Comparing yourself to another can come under many categories: Firstly, "Are they better looking than I? Or do I not need to worry about competition here?"  Secondly, "Do they have more money than me? Or are they poor?" Thirdly, "Are they really intelligent? Or, are they really stupid?" The list could go on and I'm sure you know what you are most likely to compare yourselves to another about.

2) "You may become vain and bitter"

In my opinion you WILL become vain and bitter, not just "may". If you are constantly looking at others and seeing what they have or havn't got its going to mess with your head, and none for the better - all for worse. Say you meet a girl in the street who is very overweight, has a face covered in acne, has to wear glasses and has greasy hair - already you are thinking "I am glad I look better than her" Right? This is being vain! Who say's that you are better than her? To somebody in the world she is beautiful. Becoming and being vain can also work the other way round. If you compare yourself to someone and think "They are so much better than me, I must try and become as good looking/intelligent as them" then you will spend a lot of time on your appearance and trying to be "perfect" and this too will damage your mind. I'm no stranger to being vain - I've spent a fortune on teeth whitening, hair cuts and make-up to cover my spots. Does it make me any happier? For a while, yes - but its short term.

Next, you see a girl in the street who has perfect skin, shiny hair that falls perfectly, a good figure, she's dressed well and has a smile that lights up a room - now you are thinking "I want to be like that" But, if you constantly look up to these "perfect" looking people you are going to become bitter, because NOBODY is perfect. Even those who look amazing 24/7 will have something wrong with them, it may not be noticeable but there will be something.

If you become bitter, this is not going to make you beautiful if beauty is what you are striving for. Its going to ruin you inside, and damage your heart and mind and that will eventually show through on the outside.

3) "For always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself"

My mum always tells me this whenever I am throwing a strop about the way I look. She says to me, "Bethany, somebody out there looks at you and wishes they could look and be like you, and somebody out there will love every little thing about you - flaws and all"

And this is the same for all of you reading this!

We shouldn't take this last part of the sentence the wrong way however, as if we are walking around saying to ourselves that there are lesser persons than us, we will once again become vain. We need to remember that God made every single person and he love all of us equally, no matter what we look like and what our abilites are.

The closing part of the poem also really touches me...

"With all its shams, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy"

Instead of striving for beauty, why not strive for happiness? After all, happiness is one of the most beautiful things in this world.

Watch who you are calling retarded

Last week was Special Educational Needs Awareness week and so I wanted to bring your attention to a certain special need that I feel doesn't recieve much attention. I feel like I can write a blog about special needs as  I am dyspraxic. I only have a mild form but it still affects my everyday life, and I want to bring awareness to it, as I was only diagnosed with it when I was 15, and life would have been so much easier if it had been picked up on earlier!

What is dyspraxia?

Dyspraxia is an impairment or immaturity of the organisation of movement. It is an immaturity in the way that the brain processes information, which results in messages not being properly or fully transmitted. The term dyspraxia comes from the word praxis, which means 'doing, acting'. Dyspraxia affects the planning of what to do and how to do it. It is associated with problems of perception, language and thought. Dyspraxia can also be called clumsy child syndrome - which I personally find rather amusing!

What causes dyspraxia?

For the majority of those with the condition, there is no known cause. Current research suggests that it is due to an immaturity of neurone development in the brain rather than to brain damage. People with dyspraxia have no clinical neurological abnormality to explain their condition.

People who have dyspraxia often find the routine tasks of daily life such as driving, house work, cooking and taking care of themselves difficult. They can also find coping at work is hard. People with dyspraxia usually have a combination of problems, some including:

• Poor balance
• Tendency to trip & fall over (clumsy child syndrome)
Lack of manual dexterity. Poor at two-handed tasks, causing problems with using cutlery, cleaning, cooking and ironing
Difficulty in following a moving object smoothly with eyes without moving head excessively
Over- or under-sensitive to touch. Can result in dislike of being touched and/or aversion to over-loose or tight clothing - tactile defensiveness
Poor sequencing causes problems with maths, reading and spelling and writing reports at work
Tend to get stressed, depressed and anxious easily

These are just a few problems dyspraxia can cause - but help is at hand for people with it!

I just wanted to raise awarness to this special need, as I am not afraid to say I have one, but sometimes people call me "retarded" for not being able to do something very well, and it bugs me when I try to explain dyspraxia  and nobody really understands.

So next time you are about to call someone stupid or retarded for not being able to do a certain task, just take a while to think about that person and if your words will affect them.

Oh and a random bit of information - Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter) is dyspraxic!

Please visit the dyspraxia foundation website below!

Dyspraxia Foundation